You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave

I’m sure everyone has a memory or situation that he/she uses as a “baseline” for their worst experience that helps to put the current situation in perspective. When something isn’t going well, you might say, “This is bad, but this isn’t as bad as the time _______.” In my life I’ve experienced a couple of things you’d think could be used as my baseline: a kidney stone that was too large to pass so it had to be removed via “a laser” (picture an Austin Powers Dr. Evil impersonation while reading the word “laser”) blowing it up into smaller, passable pieces; or maybe running the last 15 miles of the KC marathon after hurting my knee on mile 11 and eventually requiring knee surgery after the marathon. Surprisingly, neither of these things compare to what I use as my baseline/rock bottom. For me it’s the week in 1995 that I spent at Boys State. I can say that I no longer fear hell and can live through anything because I survived Boys State.

For those who don’t know, Boys State is a week long summer camp sponsored by the American Legion for boys between their junior and senior years. It is supposed to be an honor to attend, and it’s considered a leadership-type mock government camp for the “future of tomorrow”. Don’t be fooled by any of this propaganda. Make no mistake, you do learn things from attending Boys State, but it’s not leadership. Now don’t’ get me wrong, nothing horrible such as inappropriate fondling or anything like that happened (at least not to me) – my anguish was more of the mental variety. Anyway, let me share my Boys State experience with you:

Missouri Boys State is held at UCM’s (formerly CMSU) campus in June of each year. It brings together approximately 800 17 year-old boys for one week and subjects them to classroom lectures on politics, government, etc. You stay in the dorms on campus and have a roommate, and also a couple of older college-age guys on each floor who serve as the floor RA’s. There are a couple of rules that all Boys State attendees must follow: you aren’t allowed to leave campus and contact with females is strictly prohibited during the entire week. They were adamant about this last rule; if they saw you even talking to a girl, disciplinary action was taken. Seriously?! Whose bright idea was it to put 800 17 year-old boys together in a confined space for a week and prohibit female contact? After the 2nd day of being around all of these guys who weren’t allowed female interaction, it felt like at any point in time it could easily turn into a “Lord of the Flies” type of environment. I especially had issues with the “no female contact” rule because since I was a local (being from Warrensburg), I knew a lot of the high-school girls who were working in the cafeteria serving meals or working other part-time summer jobs on campus. I didn’t want to be rude so I’d give the “what’s up” nod to all of them and I got in trouble for even doing that; it was considered non-verbal communication with a female. Ridiculous. I ended up breaking both rules because by mid-week I couldn’t take the boring lectures anymore so I would leave the lectures and go to the college library and sit and read books and magazines for hours during the afternoon. There were 800 guys there and the only other Warrensburg townie in my “city” (that’s what your dorm floor was called) was really into the whole Boys State thing and he was having a great time, so I wasn’t missed by anyone. One day while I was at the library I saw a female friend from high school and I talked to her for a while (just to make sure I could still talk to a female and I hadn’t resorted to prehistoric grunting) and she said she was going to Wal-Mart, so I asked if I could tag along with her. I’d never been so happy to visit a Wal-Mart.

I know Boys State may not sound like the horrible situation that I make it out to be. Please bear with me; here are a few more of the reasons why my experience was so bad:

1) None of my friends went. There were a few other guys from Warrensburg that went, but I wasn’t really close to them. The one other Warrensburg townie in my Boys State “city” was really into it, probably because his father was a politician for the state of Missouri, and since I thought the whole “city” and mock government thing was dumb we didn’t really hang out that week. I try not to be a negative, condescending person, but come on. Having fake policemen, fake judges, fake mayors, etc. and having to play along with all of it (as a high school student, not a 6 year-old) – it’s stupid.

2) My roommate was really into it as well, and that was really annoying. He was running for city mayor or something equally as dumb, so he tried to get me to campaign for him. I just looked at him and asked, “You realize this is all fake and means nothing out in the real world, right?” He asked another guy in our city to help him out and we left each other alone the rest of the week.

3) It was 8 days long - Saturday to Saturday. That’s too much time to be at a fun summer camp, much less a crappy one. That’s a whole week of your summer, just gone; wasted.

4) They tried to make it quasi-military and that got old really quick. We had to walk in a single-file line when our “city” went somewhere (lectures, meals, etc.), we couldn’t talk while we were walking to and from the dorms, etc. Lights out was early and you had to be quiet once this occurred each night.

5) There was never any free time. Everything was scheduled, and most of the scheduled events/lectures were extremely boring.

6) I seemed to be the only person that thought that all of the mock/fake government was dumb and didn’t buy into it. At one point I actually found myself questioning myself for a second, thinking, “maybe something is wrong with me – everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves for the most part.” But then I realized that I was letting Boys State get to me and I needed to snap out of it. There’s nothing wrong with me; the rest of these guys are just average, 17 year-old guys who will end up selling insurance, used cars or becoming real estate agents in their hometowns. That’s right, I said it.

You may be asking yourself, “Why did you go (or stay) then if it was so bad?” I went and stayed for 2 reasons: Boys State attendees got a $1000 scholarship to CMSU your freshman year, and my parents were proud that I was chosen to go so I went because I was a good kid and I worked hard to always be known as “the good kid.”

To wrap up this blog posting, I’ll say this: No normal, intelligent, heterosexual 17 year-old boy with a sense of perspective should enjoy Boys State. I know that’s a bold statement, but I stand by it. Boys State did ultimately prepare me for the future by showing me that I can tolerate almost anything. I do feel like I earned every dollar of that $1000 scholarship.


Song of the day: Coldpay’s “Glass of Water” from their Proskpekt’s March album. (“You know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay.”) Chris Martin is a good musician. I know I’m going to seem like “one of those guys” by saying I like Coldplay, but I do.