WARNING - THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS CONTENT OF A SEXUALLY EXPLICIT NATURE AND IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. IT IS ALSO NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED.
This one is for all of my single friends. No matter how bad it seems that your date is going, it can't be as bad as Frank's experience. Enjoy.
The summer after my senior year in high school I worked at the local movie theater. It was a cool job, and I worked with a lot of college-aged kids. After the late shows ended and the theater had closed for the night, all of the employees would stay and watch the new movie being released that week. Movie theater employees would invite their friends to hang out and fun would be had by all. There was one girl who worked there, Heather (I've changed her name to respect her privacy - you'll understand why later), who was a few years older than me and would be considered hot by most guys, would always stay and hang out. You could tell by the way she acted that she was "experienced", and so every guy who worked at the theater wanted to hook up with her, but nobody more than Frank (also not his real name). Frank would try his hardest every night to get with Heather, but he could never close the deal. Sure, you'd see them making out in the back of the theater after-hours, but Heather always went home alone or with her girlfriends . . . except for one night.
I don't know what it was; whether it was the end of the summer and Heather was looking for one last summer experience before school started, or if Frank just finally wore her down, but I saw the two of them leave the movie theater together one night. I remember at the time thinking "Good for you Frank. See, you set a goal and if you are persistent in your pursuits, you can do anything you set your mind to." Little did I (or Frank) realize what he'd gotten himself into.
I see Frank a few days later when we're working together, and I also notice that there is this weird, not-talking and ignoring each other vibe between him and Heather. So I asked Frank how his evening went after I saw him & Heather leave together. The response I got from Frank was a quick "It was fine. I don't want to talk about it." and he walked off. Now for a man who had worked all summer long and had been so focused on Heather, he sure seemed to be over it rather quickly. I asked him again when we were taking the trash out of the theater, and while he's on his smoke break he proceeds to tell me the whole story, only if I promise not to say anything to Heather or anyone else for that matter. I think the statute of limitations has passed, so I'll now share Frank's story with all of you. Here's what Frank said:
"It started off great. We left the theater and went to her place and we were in her bedroom on her bed on top of the covers and things were progressing really well. As things got more heated, Heather was really getting into it and she was very vocal about how much she was enjoying it. Then, all of the sudden she paused and told me to open up her top drawer of her night stand and get the beads that were in there. I was a little unsure of where this was going, but I wasn't about to say anything and ruin the situation with her, so I did like she asked and pulled out a string of what looked to be fake, costumey pearl beads from the drawer. When I turned back around, she was bent over and I suddenly realized what was about to happen, and that in my hands I was holding her anal beads." (yuck right? All of the guys at the theater had said Heather seemed to be a little freaky, and I guess we were right)
"So she proceeded to tell me what to do with the beads. I'd never done anything like that before and I was beginning to get nervous and unsure if I could go through with it. But as I slowly popped in each bead, Heather became more and more excited. She was moaning and saying how good it felt, with each bead getting louder and louder, so I was back in the game and ready to go."
"She told me to leave about 5 or 6 beads hanging out, so I did as I was told. We start messing around again, and then after a few minutes she tells me to pull the string of beads out. I'm kneeling behind her and she's on all fours in front of me. I put my left hand on the small of her back for stability, and grab the string of beads with my right hand. I then pull the string of beads like I'm starting a lawn mower, yanking full force. The next thing that happened was that I heard something . . . and then I smelled something."
Let me pause the story right here just to say that in Frank's defense, I probably would've done the same thing. Frank's logic seemed sound and is the same as mine would've been; if she enjoyed them going in, she'll really enjoy them coming out.
Anyway, when Frank yanked the string of beads out, it caused Heather to lose control of her bowels so she crapped all over her own bed (this is what Frank heard and then smelled). She is screaming all kinds of profanities at Frank as she runs into her bathroom, locks the door and jumps in the shower, leaving Frank on her bed holding the beads thinking "What the !#$% just happened?!" I ask Frank what he did next, and he says "I did the only thing I could think of - I grabbed my clothes, ran to my car and got the hell out of there!"
I've had quite a few years to look back on Frank's story and wonder what I would've done differently if I had been in that situation. Like I said earlier, I would've made the same initial mistake with the pulling of the beads. I do think that although he wouldn't have been able to salvage that night, if Frank would've stayed and attempted to clean up her bed while she was in the shower, that might've gotten him some "nice guy" points for a later date. It would've at least shown that he cared. I think the best route to go in that situation, as the guy, would be to be very apologetic and take 100% of the blame, because you know the girl is really embarrassed. It's going to be an awkward situation when she gets out of the shower, and how you handle that interaction with her is key. If you play it just right, you both might be able to look back on the situation and laugh (although I doubt it; how many adults can laugh about sh!tting all over your own bed in front of a co-worker?).
I don't know what it was; whether it was the end of the summer and Heather was looking for one last summer experience before school started, or if Frank just finally wore her down, but I saw the two of them leave the movie theater together one night. I remember at the time thinking "Good for you Frank. See, you set a goal and if you are persistent in your pursuits, you can do anything you set your mind to." Little did I (or Frank) realize what he'd gotten himself into.
I see Frank a few days later when we're working together, and I also notice that there is this weird, not-talking and ignoring each other vibe between him and Heather. So I asked Frank how his evening went after I saw him & Heather leave together. The response I got from Frank was a quick "It was fine. I don't want to talk about it." and he walked off. Now for a man who had worked all summer long and had been so focused on Heather, he sure seemed to be over it rather quickly. I asked him again when we were taking the trash out of the theater, and while he's on his smoke break he proceeds to tell me the whole story, only if I promise not to say anything to Heather or anyone else for that matter. I think the statute of limitations has passed, so I'll now share Frank's story with all of you. Here's what Frank said:
"It started off great. We left the theater and went to her place and we were in her bedroom on her bed on top of the covers and things were progressing really well. As things got more heated, Heather was really getting into it and she was very vocal about how much she was enjoying it. Then, all of the sudden she paused and told me to open up her top drawer of her night stand and get the beads that were in there. I was a little unsure of where this was going, but I wasn't about to say anything and ruin the situation with her, so I did like she asked and pulled out a string of what looked to be fake, costumey pearl beads from the drawer. When I turned back around, she was bent over and I suddenly realized what was about to happen, and that in my hands I was holding her anal beads." (yuck right? All of the guys at the theater had said Heather seemed to be a little freaky, and I guess we were right)
"So she proceeded to tell me what to do with the beads. I'd never done anything like that before and I was beginning to get nervous and unsure if I could go through with it. But as I slowly popped in each bead, Heather became more and more excited. She was moaning and saying how good it felt, with each bead getting louder and louder, so I was back in the game and ready to go."
"She told me to leave about 5 or 6 beads hanging out, so I did as I was told. We start messing around again, and then after a few minutes she tells me to pull the string of beads out. I'm kneeling behind her and she's on all fours in front of me. I put my left hand on the small of her back for stability, and grab the string of beads with my right hand. I then pull the string of beads like I'm starting a lawn mower, yanking full force. The next thing that happened was that I heard something . . . and then I smelled something."
Let me pause the story right here just to say that in Frank's defense, I probably would've done the same thing. Frank's logic seemed sound and is the same as mine would've been; if she enjoyed them going in, she'll really enjoy them coming out.
Anyway, when Frank yanked the string of beads out, it caused Heather to lose control of her bowels so she crapped all over her own bed (this is what Frank heard and then smelled). She is screaming all kinds of profanities at Frank as she runs into her bathroom, locks the door and jumps in the shower, leaving Frank on her bed holding the beads thinking "What the !#$% just happened?!" I ask Frank what he did next, and he says "I did the only thing I could think of - I grabbed my clothes, ran to my car and got the hell out of there!"
I've had quite a few years to look back on Frank's story and wonder what I would've done differently if I had been in that situation. Like I said earlier, I would've made the same initial mistake with the pulling of the beads. I do think that although he wouldn't have been able to salvage that night, if Frank would've stayed and attempted to clean up her bed while she was in the shower, that might've gotten him some "nice guy" points for a later date. It would've at least shown that he cared. I think the best route to go in that situation, as the guy, would be to be very apologetic and take 100% of the blame, because you know the girl is really embarrassed. It's going to be an awkward situation when she gets out of the shower, and how you handle that interaction with her is key. If you play it just right, you both might be able to look back on the situation and laugh (although I doubt it; how many adults can laugh about sh!tting all over your own bed in front of a co-worker?).
Song of the day/lifetime: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. I recently had a discussion with some friends about what the best song of all time would be, if we each had to pick one (any decade/genre). "Billie Jean" was my immediate choice and I stand by my choice. When people (young or old) hear the drum beat at the beginning of the song they all start grooving/dancing, or at least moving slightly to the beat; it appeals to multiple generations. You can't stand still when you hear "Billie Jean", no matter how hard you try (unless you have no rhythm at all. If that's that case then nothing musical will get you moving). I realize that after Michael Jackson's death a few years ago his songs were overplayed for the next few months, and some of his personal life choices are questionable, but you can't deny the fact that his songs make people move. Quick tip for a can't lose playlist: sprinkle in some Michael Jackson, Madonna & Justin Timberlake into your mix. The masses will be out of their seats, shakin it. Also, his movie "This Is It" was awesome. That concert would've been sick if it would've actually happened.
