Wasn't me she was foolin cause she knew what she was doin . . .

WARNING - THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS CONTENT OF A SEXUALLY EXPLICIT NATURE AND IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. IT IS ALSO NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED.

This one is for all of my single friends. No matter how bad it seems that your date is going, it can't be as bad as Frank's experience. Enjoy.

The summer after my senior year in high school I worked at the local movie theater. It was a cool job, and I worked with a lot of college-aged kids. After the late shows ended and the theater had closed for the night, all of the employees would stay and watch the new movie being released that week. Movie theater employees would invite their friends to hang out and fun would be had by all. There was one girl who worked there, Heather (I've changed her name to respect her privacy - you'll understand why later), who was a few years older than me and would be considered hot by most guys, would always stay and hang out. You could tell by the way she acted that she was "experienced", and so every guy who worked at the theater wanted to hook up with her, but nobody more than Frank (also not his real name). Frank would try his hardest every night to get with Heather, but he could never close the deal. Sure, you'd see them making out in the back of the theater after-hours, but Heather always went home alone or with her girlfriends . . . except for one night.

I don't know what it was; whether it was the end of the summer and Heather was looking for one last summer experience before school started, or if Frank just finally wore her down, but I saw the two of them leave the movie theater together one night. I remember at the time thinking "Good for you Frank. See, you set a goal and if you are persistent in your pursuits, you can do anything you set your mind to." Little did I (or Frank) realize what he'd gotten himself into.

I see Frank a few days later when we're working together, and I also notice that there is this weird, not-talking and ignoring each other vibe between him and Heather. So I asked Frank how his evening went after I saw him & Heather leave together. The response I got from Frank was a quick "It was fine. I don't want to talk about it." and he walked off. Now for a man who had worked all summer long and had been so focused on Heather, he sure seemed to be over it rather quickly. I asked him again when we were taking the trash out of the theater, and while he's on his smoke break he proceeds to tell me the whole story, only if I promise not to say anything to Heather or anyone else for that matter. I think the statute of limitations has passed, so I'll now share Frank's story with all of you. Here's what Frank said:

"It started off great. We left the theater and went to her place and we were in her bedroom on her bed on top of the covers and things were progressing really well. As things got more heated, Heather was really getting into it and she was very vocal about how much she was enjoying it. Then, all of the sudden she paused and told me to open up her top drawer of her night stand and get the beads that were in there. I was a little unsure of where this was going, but I wasn't about to say anything and ruin the situation with her, so I did like she asked and pulled out a string of what looked to be fake, costumey pearl beads from the drawer. When I turned back around, she was bent over and I suddenly realized what was about to happen, and that in my hands I was holding her anal beads." (yuck right? All of the guys at the theater had said Heather seemed to be a little freaky, and I guess we were right)

"So she proceeded to tell me what to do with the beads. I'd never done anything like that before and I was beginning to get nervous and unsure if I could go through with it. But as I slowly popped in each bead, Heather became more and more excited. She was moaning and saying how good it felt, with each bead getting louder and louder, so I was back in the game and ready to go."

"She told me to leave about 5 or 6 beads hanging out, so I did as I was told. We start messing around again, and then after a few minutes she tells me to pull the string of beads out. I'm kneeling behind her and she's on all fours in front of me. I put my left hand on the small of her back for stability, and grab the string of beads with my right hand. I then pull the string of beads like I'm starting a lawn mower, yanking full force. The next thing that happened was that I heard something . . . and then I smelled something."

Let me pause the story right here just to say that in Frank's defense, I probably would've done the same thing. Frank's logic seemed sound and is the same as mine would've been; if she enjoyed them going in, she'll really enjoy them coming out.

Anyway, when Frank yanked the string of beads out, it caused Heather to lose control of her bowels so she crapped all over her own bed (this is what Frank heard and then smelled). She is screaming all kinds of profanities at Frank as she runs into her bathroom, locks the door and jumps in the shower, leaving Frank on her bed holding the beads thinking "What the !#$% just happened?!" I ask Frank what he did next, and he says "I did the only thing I could think of - I grabbed my clothes, ran to my car and got the hell out of there!"

I've had quite a few years to look back on Frank's story and wonder what I would've done differently if I had been in that situation. Like I said earlier, I would've made the same initial mistake with the pulling of the beads. I do think that although he wouldn't have been able to salvage that night, if Frank would've stayed and attempted to clean up her bed while she was in the shower, that might've gotten him some "nice guy" points for a later date. It would've at least shown that he cared. I think the best route to go in that situation, as the guy, would be to be very apologetic and take 100% of the blame, because you know the girl is really embarrassed. It's going to be an awkward situation when she gets out of the shower, and how you handle that interaction with her is key. If you play it just right, you both might be able to look back on the situation and laugh (although I doubt it; how many adults can laugh about sh!tting all over your own bed in front of a co-worker?).

Song of the day/lifetime: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. I recently had a discussion with some friends about what the best song of all time would be, if we each had to pick one (any decade/genre). "Billie Jean" was my immediate choice and I stand by my choice. When people (young or old) hear the drum beat at the beginning of the song they all start grooving/dancing, or at least moving slightly to the beat; it appeals to multiple generations. You can't stand still when you hear "Billie Jean", no matter how hard you try (unless you have no rhythm at all. If that's that case then nothing musical will get you moving). I realize that after Michael Jackson's death a few years ago his songs were overplayed for the next few months, and some of his personal life choices are questionable, but you can't deny the fact that his songs make people move. Quick tip for a can't lose playlist: sprinkle in some Michael Jackson, Madonna & Justin Timberlake into your mix. The masses will be out of their seats, shakin it. Also, his movie "This Is It" was awesome. That concert would've been sick if it would've actually happened.

Too school for cool

Each year in my middle school they held two Expo Days, one in the fall and one in the spring. Expo Day consisted of using the last 3 hours of the school day as a "learning enrichment" program where all of the middle-schoolers participated in a fun, group activity. There were about 30 different activities to choose from, and each student would complete a survey ranking his/her top 3 choices for Expo Day activities, and the school administration stated each student should get one of his/her top 3 choices. There were obvious Expo Day activity favorites: the trip to Domino's Pizza to tour the kitchen and make your own pizza; the trip to the rifle range where kids got to fire live rounds (this would never be allowed these days); and volleyball (I know this doesn't sound like fun, but the 8th grade girl's volleyball team always signed up for this, so every 6th & 7th grade boy also signed up for this activity as well). For some reason I never got any of my top 3 choices; I don't know if I was just at home sick each time the surveys were submitted or if the administration thought it would be funny to screw with me, but I can honestly say I had the worst 6 Expo Days of any middle-school student. Here they are:

1. Cookie Decorating - Seriously, who would sign up for this activity?! I'll tell you who - really shy, quiet, plain girls you didn't realize attended your school. I'm not being mean, but who sees cookie decorating on a list of activities and thinks "that sounds like a great way to spend 3 hours!" You didn't even get to bake the cookies; there was another Expo Day activity in the Home Economics room where they baked the cookies. So for the first 45 minutes of our Expo Day we sat around and waited for the sugar cookies to be baked. We then put frosting & sprinkles on them. That doesn't take more than 10 minutes since we had 45 minutes while the cookies were baking to open & prep the frosting & sprinkle containers, so then we all just sat around not talking to each other.

2. Juggling - I thought this one might be alright, especially after the boring cookie decorating activity I had the last time. The juggling teacher/Shop teacher said that there's always one kid in his juggling class that doesn't get it. Guess what - I was the kid. I just couldn't get the third toss down in the 3 hour time span. So this one was also a bust. Update: I taught myself how to juggle a few years ago by watching some videos and reading about it on the Internet. Come to find out there's more to juggling that just "toss toss toss." It's like Lisa Simpson taking tap dance lessons - "Tappa Tappa Tappa."

3. Uno - Playing Uno for 3 hours. Again, this wasn't one of my top 3 choices, but I thought  it wouldn't be so bad if there were other kids in there that I knew. I thought we could just hang out and talk, and maybe there might be a few girls in there that I could get to know. What I didn't realize was that the Uno Expo Day activity was held in the Special Ed room, and the Special Ed students didn't get to leave their room for Expo Day; they were automatically signed up for whatever activity was being held in their room. So when I opened the door that afternoon to the Special Ed room, I quickly realized I was the only non-retarded kid signed up for Uno. Now I'm not making fun of anyone, and children with learning disabilities can function in a normal environment, but there's a reason why they're segregated off from other kids most of the school day; it's so they can get the special attention they need and not slow down the rest of the class. They were all really nice kids (have you ever met someone who was mentally retarded who was mean?), but it was a little trying to play Uno with all of them because (surprisingly) it took a while for them to grasp the concept of yelling out "Uno" only when you have one card left. At any given moment at least two kids were randomly yelling "Uno!". Longest 3 hours of my middle-school life. I excused myself from the classroom to use the restroom and just walked around for about 30 minutes, watching other kids enjoy their Expo Day. The teacher didn't realize I was gone because she had her hands full with keeping the Uno game going.

4. Charades - Who comes up with these activities? I understand not all of them can be top 3, but come on. Charades for 3 hours? "Sounds like . . . . a super boring afternoon."

5. Movie Making - This one had potential, at least in my mind. I like movies, and I thought it might be interesting to learn about the movie-making process. Nope; the movie-making Expo Day activity was taking the school's video camera around and filming other kids having fun at their Expo Day activities. There were at least 20 of us in the movie-making activity, so each person got to run the camera for about 6-8 minutes. I tried to make my mark on the film with creative & liberal uses of the zoom function and fading in/out, but that's about it. When you weren't running the camera, you got to walk behind the cameraman and watch other kids enjoy their Expo Day. I didn't realize until we watched the playback of our "film" that the camcorder's mic was pretty sensitive and could pick up all of the negative/rude comments some of us were making while walking around behind the camera. It sounded like Statler & Waldorf from the Muppets providing commentary.

6. Trip to Whiteman Air Force Base - Finally, an off-site Expo Day. I was actually looking forward to this one. We shared a bus with the Nature Walk Expo Day activity group, so we just had to drop them off at the Knob Noster State Park and then we were off to have fun. I should've known it was too good to be true; the bus broke down after we dropped off the Nature Walk kids at the state park, before we got to the Air Force base. We spent two hours on the side of the road in a broken-down bus. I don't know why they just didn't send another bus to come pick us up and take us to our activity, but they didn't send another bus until it was time to go back to school. Thus, my Expo Day activity that day consisted of riding & sitting on a bus.


Song/Album of the day: DJ Enferno's latest mix album "Evolution." Since DJ AM's passing last August I'd been looking for another DJ to follow. I came across a DJ Enferno mix and after listening & watching, I quickly realized this guy is my new "go to" DJ. He was Madonna's DJ for her "Sticky & Sweet" tour and he's also the creator of Live Remix Project. Check out his website at http://www.djenferno.com/ for info, videos, etc. I recently go the opportunity to meet him and watch him spin when he came to Kansas City. It was a great night and he's a super-nice guy.

All that scratchin is makin me itch

So I either lead such an exciting life that I don't have time to update my blog, or my life is so boring that  nothing in my life is worth sharing. I would like to think that it's the first, but as a husband and father with two young kids, it's most likely the second. Anyway, not much to share. The summer is coming to an end, and looking back, the Howard 2010 Summer went pretty well. I got to hang out with friends and family, my brother got married, and I had the opportunity to DJ a few parties that were pretty fun.

Since I'm not a fan of fall or winter, I've decided to schedule a few things that should make the next six months bearable:

September - I'm going to try and run the Warrensburg Half-Marathon. I found out about this race about a month ago. Although I haven't had the months that I would have liked to train for this, I think it might be fun to run my hometown (I know what you're thinking - "A half-marathon in Warrensburg? Are you running through the town 8 times?"). We'll see how it goes.

October - I am verbally committed to a marathon relay team for the Kansas City Marathon. I will only have to run 6.5 miles at most, so it shouldn't be too bad. I think the hardest part will be waiting the 4+ hours for my leg of the race to start (I've been slated to be the last leg of the race).

December - Jen & I are going to run the Las Vegas Rock N' Roll Half-Marathon. This should be fun; running the Strip in cool weather. Plus after the race, we'll be hanging out in Vegas.

Song of the day: The Incredible Bongo Band's "Apache". The first four measures of this song is one of the most sampled breaks in hip hop. I'm sure everyone has heard Sugarhill Gang's version, Grandmaster Flash's version, as well as Sir Mix-A-Lot's version ("Kansas City, Jump on it, Jump on it, Jump on it"). I first heard the Incredible Bongo Band's version on Fatboy Slim's "On the Floor at the Boutique" live album. This is one of those songs that you can't help but move to when you hear it. As an added bonus, the last half of the song (that starts at 2:23) provides over 40 measures of a break to scratch over, if you're into that (listen to DJ Qbert killin it here)

Summer - it turns me upside down

A few updates on what I've been up to since I've seriously been neglecting this blog:

My Brother's Wedding - My brother got married back in mid-May. Everything went really well; the bride and groom had a great time and there weren't any issues. Candid pictures of the wedding rehearsal, ceremony and reception can be seen on the wedding DJ's website here and here:

Summer IT Party - I DJ'd the summertime party at my work. I was a little nervous about doing this since it would be in front of 300+ coworkers. It went well though; people seemed to enjoy the music and they had a good time. I was a bit tense at first because it was the first time I'd spun at an outdoor party in the afternoon, and when I set up I realized that in the direct sunlight I could not see the laptop screen at all. There was a brief moment of internal panic, but then cooler heads prevailed and I found some shade to set up under and it all worked out.

Brad Paisley Concert - Jennifer had the opportunity to get cheap Brad Paisley tickets from her employer, so we went to his concert at the Sprint Center. I wasn't very familiar with any of his songs since I don't listen to country music, so that was a new experience (going to a concert and not recognizing any of the songs being played). It was fun though; Brad Paisley plays a mean electric guitar and he puts on an entertaining show. Darius Rucker opened up for him and I didn't recognize any of his country songs either, other than the 2 Hootie songs he sang and when he covered Prince's "Purple Rain."

Rev Run Celebrity DJ Set at KC Power & Light - I had seen an ad in early spring that Rev Run (from RUN DMC) was doing a free DJ set at the Power & Light one Friday at 11PM. I made a deal with Jennifer; I'll go see Brad Paisley with her if she'd go to Rev Run with me. I was excited about seeing Rev Run, but also a bit apprehensive about it as well, and here's why. Rev was not the DJ for RUN DMC; he was an MC (Jam Master Jay was the DJ). I was a bit skeptical of his DJ skills because I had seen a YouTube video of him attempting to DJ at a music festival and it looked awkward/forced. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt though. Anyway, Sister Hazel had played a free show earlier that night at 8PM at Power & Light, so then their crowd (mostly Caucasian guys in their early 30's) cleared out by about 10:30PM and they set up the turntables and mixer for Rev Run. A guy (not Rev Run) came out and started spinning; I thought he was just the opening act and was there to check sound levels, etc. I was wrong. A few minutes later Rev Run came out (in full Adidas gear) with mic in hand and started MC'ing. He was getting the crowd involved and rapping along to the songs the DJ played, but he never actually DJ'd. He attempted once to DJ, but he couldn't get it right so he handed the headphones back to the DJ. His involvement with DJ'ing was limited to him reaching over the DJ to turn the upfader down for the turntable currently being played while he sang/rapped the lyrics to the song. The show was basically another DJ spinning songs for Rev Run, while Rev was the hype man. Don't get me wrong; it was still a really fun night and I enjoyed hearing old school hip-hop music (Slick Rick, Eric B. & Rakim, Notorious BIG, etc.) being played at Power & Light, as they primarily play just rock & country there. I was hoping to see Rev do some old school DJ tricks (beat juggling, echo/delay, etc.), but I wasn't surprised to see him just MC.


Song of the day: Brad Paisley's "Water". Yes, it's a hokey song, but it gets a pass because it's summertime.

Hold it now, hit it

I thought since I hadn't written anything in a long time that today I would share my second most embarrassing story.

It was early May 1999, finals week at CMSU. I had just finished taking all of my finals and needed to sell my books back to the campus bookstore. It was unseasonably warm that day and I was a bit parched, so I bought a large lemonade to drink while waiting in line at the bookstore - big mistake. I misjudged the amount of time I'd be in line at the bookstore and about 20 minutes after drinking the lemonade, I needed to use the restroom badly. There were still at least 10 people ahead of me in line and the line was moving slowly. So I tried not to think about going to the restroom and just focused on other things. Well, I finally made it to the cashier, sold my books back and then immediately walked briskly to the nearest restroom.

Now I had been in college at CMSU for 3 years, I worked on campus, and since I grew up in Warrensburg I had been on the campus many times for school events, etc., so I thought I knew the layout of the public restrooms on campus. Most (I say most now, but at the time I thought it was all) restrooms on campus had the men's restroom on the right, and the women's on the left. So as I quickly made my way from the campus bookstore to the nearest restrooms, I went in the door on the right, not taking the time to look at the sign on the outside of the door. As I entered the restroom, I looked around frantically for the urinals, but I only saw rows of stalls (this should have been my first clue that I was in the wrong restroom). I thought maybe this was just an exceptionally large men's restroom and the urinals were around the corner, so I went to the nearest stall. As I'm standing in the stall, beginning to feel much better, I also notice that it smells unusually pleasant in this restroom compared to typical men's restrooms (the second clue that I had made a mistake). As I was thinking about the pleasant scent and the lack of urinals, I then realized that I was using the women's restroom. Luckily I was the only one in the restroom at the time, so I thought that if I just hurried and got out of there nobody but me would ever know about this mistake.

About the time that I realized the mistake I had made I heard the restroom door open and close, which meant I was no longer alone, and it was most likely a female (because what college-aged guy would go into a women's restroom). I stopped my flow mid-stream and turned around in the stall to face the door. I did this for two reasons: 1) so the girl who just came into the restroom wouldn't hear me using the restroom and realize that it was a guy, and 2) so if this girl saw my feet pointed towards the stall door instead of the toilet she wouldn't think someone was standing up in the stall using the restroom. At most she'd think that it was just a female athlete (because of the larger than average shoes in the stall). I then hoped that this girl didn't come to use the restroom because I wasn't sure I could hold it much longer, as you all know stopping mid-stream is rather difficult and I don't have the Kegel strength of females. I also didn't want to get caught in there and have people think I was some weirdo who likes to go into public restrooms and listen to women use the restroom, because I'm sure that's a hard thing to not have follow you for the rest of your life. Luckily for me the girl had just come in to wash her hands and check herself in the mirror. It seemed to take her quite a long time at the mirror, because I was starting to sweat profusely from holding the rest of the lemonade in. I stood there, staring at the stall door, just trying to not make a sound (I realized after this ordeal that I could've just sat down and finished and it would've sounded like a female, but I panicked and wasn't thinking clearly). Finally I heard the girl leave, so I turned around, finished, flushed and went to the door (I made the conscious decision to forego washing my hands, as to not tempt fate by spending more time than absolutely necessary in there). I thought I was in the clear; however, just as I was walking to the door, the door opened up I run right into a girl who is coming into the restroom. Now just imagine what this girl is thinking: she has just bumped into a red-faced, sweaty guy coming out of the women's restroom, and I'm sure she heard the toilet flushing in the background. I didn't know what to do. The best thing I could come up was this; I said "Don't worry, I work here." and walked off. I guess I was hoping she thought that a student employee had to go in and check on something, who knows.

Since that experience I've always checked the sign on the restroom before entering.


Song of the day: "You Can Call Me Al (DJ Rebel's Radio Mix)" by DJ Rebel & FTW. I'm a big Paul Simon fan (Graceland is one of the 3 albums I would take with me on a deserted island, should I have the resources on the island to play music) and I've been looking for a way to put some Paul Simon into a mix, but was having a hard time making it sound smooth. Viola - I was driving home from work late one night a few weeks ago and heard this song on the radio. I found it on the internet and now I'm set. BTW, if anyone is going to be in the KC Metro area the weekend of July 4th, let me know. I'm DJ'ing a house party on the Plaza that Saturday night and if everything comes together as planned it has the potential to be a really good night. More details to come.

It is with the utmost pride & sincerity . . .

that I introduce the newest member of the Howard family - Alexa Justine. 

 

4 strong now = unstoppable.

Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week

I realize I've really been neglecting my blog here in 2010. I really don't have time for a theme or a witty anecdote this time; just some random updates to share:

- I've lost 21 pounds so far since January 11. They started a Biggest Loser contest here at work for the IT department, so I signed up because I thought it would be extra motivation for me to drop some weight before my brother's wedding (where I'm the best man, and I don't want to be the chubby old guy up there in the wedding party). I thought the other IT contestants would've given up by now, but I'm only in 4th place with a total weight loss of 10.29% (if you're decent at math then you should be able to figure out my starting weight). The winner gets $610 - every participant paid in $10 and there are 61 participants, with winner take all. The contest goes until mid April. I probably won't win, but I'm happy with how I look so I guess that's something. If I keep my current fitness level up it could turn into a McConaughey summer at case de Howard (a McConaughey summer being that one only wears a shirt when required).

- I recently got another tattoo, so if it does turn into a McConaughey summer then I've got something new to show off. It's the letters AJ on my right ribcage - I'll post a pic for all to see.

Chet at Mercy Seat Tattoo is awesome; he's done both of my tattoos and I highly recommend him. He listens to your ideas and works with you on a design that is unique, and his shop is clean and he takes pride in his work. What more could you ask for in your tattoo guy?

- I've been helping the KCPD Crime Lab with migrating data from their old software system to a new software system. It's been very trying because they are on a tight timeframe (the goal is to be online with the new system by the end of March) . The previous "DBA" had 18 months to accomplish the data migration, and the crimelab realized in mid February when they attempted to do a test data load that it failed because the old data was either not migrated correctly, or it wasn't migrated at all. So I volunteered my services to assist. I didn't get 18 months though to work on it- I got 3 weeks. That's right, 3 weeks, or 3.8% of the time the first guy had. And that's 3 weeks of after-hours work and on the weekends, not during the day like the previous "DBA" had. I'll say this and then I'll stop complaining about it: there is something to be said for relational data integrity and constraints. Without those, your data is just a warm pile of sh#t.


Song of the day: "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan. I've been going back to the archives and listening to some of the older stuff I have. A rap song that is over 5 minutes long and doesn't have a chorus, bridge or break - just each member spittin a verse.